THE UNWANTED
Now Playing: This is not mine but I am going to be a character in it!!!!!!
THE UNWANTED

by Walter Wykes

CHARACTERS
DAN
LIZ
EMMA



[DAN, LIZ, and EMMA lounge on a couch. DAN and EMMA kiss. They nurse half-empty glasses of wine.]

EMMA: I can’t do this.

LIZ: Told you.

EMMA: It doesn’t …

DAN: What?

EMMA: It doesn’t feel right.

DAN: What do you mean?

LIZ: She’s gonna back out.

EMMA: It’s just …

LIZ: Did I call it or what?

EMMA: There’s something … I don’t know … unnatural about the whole thing.

DAN: Unnatural?

LIZ: Pfff!

EMMA: It just feels weird.

DAN: I don’t understand.

EMMA: Maybe I should go.

LIZ: Maybe she should. Fucking tease.

EMMA: I’m sorry.

DAN: Wait—

LIZ: There it goes! Dan’s fantasy—up in smoke!

DAN: Emma—

LIZ: Poof!

DAN: I thought we were really clicking.

EMMA: We were. We are.

LIZ: Talk about mixed signals.

DAN: So what’s the rush?

EMMA: I … I don’t know. I just—

DAN: You didn’t have a good time?

LIZ: Oh my god!

EMMA: No—

LIZ: Are you really gonna guilt her into staying? That’s so pathetic!

EMMA: —I had a great time.

DAN: Me too.

LIZ: I’m gonna be honest—I’ve had better dates. I mean, it was pretty mediocre.

EMMA: You’re great.

LIZ: Nothing special. No fireworks.

EMMA: You’re a great guy. Really. You’re smart. You’re funny.

DAN: So …

EMMA: It’s just the …

DAN: The whole …

EMMA: The thing with …

DAN: Yeah.

[Pause.]

LIZ: Awkward silence.

DAN: Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable?

EMMA: I don’t know.

DAN: I don’t want to pressure you.

EMMA: No.

LIZ: Oh, no—of course not. No pressure.

DAN: I mean, if you want to go—

EMMA: It’s not that I want to—

DAN: You want more wine?

LIZ: Yeah. Get her drunk, Dan. That’ll help.

[DAN fills EMMA’S glass.]

EMMA: [To DAN.] It’s not you.

DAN: I know.

EMMA: It’s her.

LIZ: Right—the two of you have no chemistry and it’s my fault! Unfuckingbelievable!

EMMA: She just sort of hovers over everything.

DAN: I know.

EMMA: She’s like this unspoken …

DAN: Spectre?

EMMA: There’s an 800 pound gorilla in the room, you know?

LIZ: Did she just call me a gorilla?!

DAN: You look great, by the way.

LIZ: She called me a fucking ape!

EMMA: You’re not trying to change the subject—are you?

LIZ: Are you gonna let her get away with that?!

DAN: That dress is fantastic.

EMMA: Thanks.

DAN: Really. Fantastic. It looks great. On you. You look great in the dress.

EMMA: I picked it out just for tonight.

DAN: Did you?

EMMA: Yeah.

DAN: No way.

EMMA: For you.

DAN: Really?

EMMA: Uh-huh.

[DAN and EMMA kiss.]

LIZ: Oh, give me a fucking break! He could care less about the dress! It isn’t the fucking dress he cares about! What he really wants is to rip it off as soon as possible—isn’t that right, Dan? He’s trying to figure out the quickest way to strip you down and get his hands on those slutty little tits of yours! That’s what he’s doing! That’s what he’s been doing all night—undressing you in his mind … picturing you in various positions … various attitudes of distress … wondering just what you’ll let him get away with … how far you’ll let him go … if you’ll have the nerve to tell him no when he starts to get really nasty. He’s probably got a little stiffy right now just thinking about it. He used to do the same thing with me. Maybe he still does—although he’d never admit it. Maybe he’s picturing all three of us right now—right here on this couch—legs and arms and tongues and hair all intertwined like snakes—writhing and twisting and probing. He’s trying to work out the geometry of it. The mathematical possibilities. It boggles his mind—the number of ways he could violate that pretty little body of yours. He’s trying to pick just the right one—or the right combination. You won’t even see it coming. He’s smooth, I’ll give him that much—it’ll sneak up on you. He’ll wait until you’re comfortable, until you’re really feeling safe, and then—BANG! Suddenly you’ll find yourself acting out a scene from some cheap porno you couldn’t watch for ten seconds without puking your guts out! You have no fucking clue what’s going on here! If you’re smart, you’ll thank him for a nice evening, turn around, walk out that door, and never look back. If you’re smart. But you’re not—are you? You’re not smart at all. You’re a stupid fucking whore. So why don’t you just pull that slutty little dress over your head and get it over with!

DAN: It really is a nice dress.

EMMA: You said that. [DAN tries to kiss her again—but she stops him.] Can I ask you a question?

DAN: Sure.

EMMA: Are you just using me to get over her?

[Silence. Dan picks up his glass of wine. Smells it. Sits. He doesn’t look at EMMA—just stares at the floor.]

EMMA: If you are, just tell me. I’d understand. I mean, it’s understandable. I mean, I wouldn’t judge you or anything. How could I? After what you’ve been through. How could anybody? I just need to know what to expect here. I need to know what we’re doing. [Pause.] So … what are we doing? [Pause.] Dan?

[Pause. EMMA sits next to him. She touches his hand or his knee. DAN continues to stare at the floor.]

EMMA: Talk to me. [Pause.] Do you want me to go?

DAN: No. No, I don’t want you to go. I don’t know. I don’t know what we’re doing.

EMMA: Okay.

DAN: I mean, how can I—

EMMA: I’m sorry.

DAN: I can’t even—

EMMA: I shouldn’t have—

DAN: It’s not even real, you know? It’s like it didn’t even happen. I wake up in the morning—every morning—and I can’t remember if it was just a bad dream, a really bad dream, or ... and then I look and she’s not there next to me … the pillow’s empty … maybe she’s just in the bathroom … maybe …

EMMA: I shouldn’t have brought it up.

DAN: No—

EMMA: It’s none of my business.

DAN: She left a note. Did you know that?

EMMA: No.

DAN: She left a note that she was doing it for me.

EMMA: Oh my god.

DAN: For me. Because she knew I didn’t want her anymore.

EMMA: That’s horrible.

DAN: What’s horrible is it was true. I didn’t want her. I was ready to walk away and she knew it. I was gonna wash my hands of the whole fucking thing—find some sane girl and start over—someone who didn’t play mind games all the fucking time—someone who didn’t question my every motive—someone who didn’t scare the hell out of me. You know, there were times I was actually afraid she might kill me. My own wife. I was afraid she might poison the milk or stick me with a steak knife in the middle of the night. Honest to god. I was afraid to go to sleep. [Pause.] Sometimes, I think the only reason she didn’t is she knew this would hurt more. This would stay with me. [Pause.] If you want to go—

EMMA: No—

DAN: I know I’m kind of a head-case right now.

EMMA: Who wouldn’t be?

DAN: I just don’t want to think about it. I keep seeing her in that pool of blood … the way I found her … with her wrists and … it was all over her nightgown … the one I’d bought her for Christmas … her eyes were all glassy … like you see in the movies … like a dead fish … like a dead fucking fish with its wrists slit, but it’s my wife, and it’s real, and I can’t get that picture out of my head. I want it to go away. I want it to go away like a bad dream, but—

EMMA: It will.

DAN: It hasn’t yet.

EMMA: Trust me. It will.

[She kisses him—then takes the wine glass from his hands and places it on the table.]

EMMA: You know what you need? A little distraction.

[EMMA kicks off her shoes.]

DAN: A distraction?

EMMA: Yeah.

DAN: What kind of distraction?

EMMA: The good kind.

[EMMA begins to unbutton her dress.]

DAN: What are you—

[She puts a finger to her lips seductively—don’t argue.]

DAN: I … I don’t know if it’s really the right—

EMMA: Shhhh.

DAN: Emma—

EMMA: I got you all worked up asking stupid questions when it wasn’t any of my business, and now I’m gonna make up for it.

DAN: You don’t have to—

EMMA: I’m a big girl, Dan—I know what I’m doing. [She kisses him.] Can I borrow your shower? [He nods.] Give me two minutes.

[She exits to the bedroom. Silence.]

LIZ: Looks like you’re gonna get some after all. [Pause.] You know most of that cleavage is fake—right? It’s all padding. The fancy silicone ones, but still. I just don’t want you to be disappointed.

DAN: I don’t suppose I could get you to move towards the light—or in your case the flickering red flames?

LIZ: Not a chance.

DAN: Didn’t think so.

LIZ: You should be happy. You always said you wanted a ménage à trois.

DAN: This isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

LIZ: No?

DAN: Not so much.

LIZ: Be grateful for what you’ve got, Dan. Be grateful for what you’ve got.

[She follows EMMA into the bedroom. DAN glares after her.]

Before Newer Story of the Taco Family

The Taco Family Story

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

In the world, there is always that one family that seems out of this world. Fortunately, the family I am going to tell you about is not so much out of this world, but a little weird in between perfect and dysfunctional. The family that I am talking about is the Taco family, and this is their story that I was able to witness.

 My name is Fiona Filet; reporter of Oh My Gosh is this Legal TV show. I was fortunate enough to get to spend a few days in their home. It all started at the beginning of the first week in October. The segment for that episode was local families of Denham Springs. Of course, some really weird things would happen before I could finish saying the city’s name. After the third try, I gave up on repeating the name and moved right on to choosing the perfect family to stay with for a week. Unfortunately I could not read the actual lucky family’s handwriting, so I said a name that came to mind. I really did not expect to find a family whose name ended with Taco. That is what I had for lunch that day. It seemed really weird to me. I introduced the family to the whole country. Beth and David Taco, the parents, had two daughters named Alexis and Jennifer. They also had two sons named John and Danni. Alexis and John are the two oldest and Danni and Jennifer are the two youngest. 

After they introduced themselves, and we were off the air, I gave them quick instructions on what and what not to do while Courtney, the camera lady, and I were there. Then it was off to their home where right before dinner we were in the middle of a small and, to me, pointless argument over how wonderful the home was. It was like that, until dinnertime. Most of the time during dinner no one really talked very much. A little bit of small talk came from Mr. and Mrs. Taco and Alexis. None of the younger kids talked very much. Then there was that little incident about taping with the camera. Courtney asked if she could tape a little bit while they were eating. Once she said this John started to get upset and ramble on about how cameras steal your soul. Then John storms out of the room and Danni starts to talk to himself. While the rest of the family tried to calm Danni down, Courtney asks me if we could just quite the segment. As I am, a reporter who never backs down, I told her that we could not afford to quite the segment. 

After dinner, the whole family went their separate ways. Alexis stayed with Courtney and me, John went to his room to play on the computer, Danni went to his room to talk on the phone, and Mr. and Mrs. Taco went to make sure Jennifer stayed out of trouble. At first, you would think they were your average day family and that is what Courtney and I thought.

The next morning I woke up to yelling voices and a freezing house. All of the schools were out for the week because of some special festival that was going on. I don’t know what the festival was about, but when we went to the zoo that day it was packed. From the looks of it every other family and their brother’s family were there. It was almost noon when we were finally admitted in the zoo park. So we headed straight to the concession stand. There was barely a line there, so getting our food was easy. Once we sat down though that is when all the siblings started to have a major argument. They argue at how they all criticized each other. Alexis and John were just yelling at each other but Jennifer and Danni were starting to push each other. Mr. and Mrs. Taco were doing nothing but sitting there and eating their lunch. After I say that everyone should sit down and eat, the fight was gone and they all ate in silence. After that, we walked around the zoo until closing time.

Once we left the zoo, it was close to dinnertime. Both of the daughters agreed that we should go to McDonalds to get dinner. What Courtney and I were amazed at is that the parents don’t talk that much to anyone or each other. Both of the sons disagreed with their sisters and began saying how the completely high class should suffer for having so much. Courtney and I were starting to get scared that something might happen while we are at McDonalds.

Finally, we get to McDonalds. John and Danni were about to go after Alexis when Jennifer said that we were there. Inside I ordered a quarter pounder with a Diet Coke. Courtney gets a ceaser salad and a coke. Alexis ordered a chicken cobb salad with water. Jennifer ordered a Mighty Kids meal with a McFlurry. Mr. and Mrs. Taco only got fries and a coke. John and Danni didn’t get anything at all. I asked why they didn’t get anything and didn’t respond. Minutes later Jennifer started to yell, and John and Alexis was starting to have a major meltdown. Courtney and I hadn’t a clue to where Danni was. Last but for certain not least, Mr. and Mrs. Taco did not do anything. Courtney and I decided to leave before anything else went wrong. We were lucky that we were able to get out alive and unseen.